Thursday, April 17, 2014

Response to Alisha

I received your message, Alisha.  I don't think it is safe to meet in Istanbul.  We will have to rendezvous in Nice instead.  Don't forget about the stones.

Remember that every word you utter is being recorded by The Fisherman.  They will analyze every letter.  Please begin to communicate using The Silent Language.

The Vanguard will be here soon.  If they find us, all is lost.

Remember:  after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Lunch with the Dentist

Research for my biography of film director M. Rudolf LeRoux continues.  I am in the Cafe Coude with Dr Charles Leduc, retired dentist.

"M. Rudolf LeRoux was a patient of yours?"

"Yes," Dr. Leduc answers.  He pours himself a glass of burgundy.

"What can you tell me about him?"

"Smoker.  Never flossed."

"In his film, Emerald Peacock, there is a dentist who is secretly a Soviet spy.  Do you think you were an inspiration for this character?"

"I've never seen his films.  I am not a big fan of motion pictures.  I prefer comic books."

"What are your favorite comic books?"

"The Green Lantern."


"I also like Archie."

"Do you have any memories of LeRoux that you want to share?"

"He blamed his cavities on his love of salt water taffy."

Thursday, March 27, 2014


Taco Town was unusually busy for a Wednesday.  Olivia and Barney finally found a table to set down their trays.  Someone had written the word epiphany on the table with a red Sharpie.

"My old boyfriend sent me a postcard from Budapest."

Barney stared at his plate.

"Apparently his new girlfriend drugged him, stole his wallet and his shoes, and dumped him in an abandoned broom factory."

Barney picked up his burrito and turned it around in his hands.

"He said he was saved by a ghost.  I think he started drinking again."

Barney shook his head.  "I don't know how I'm going to eat this burrito.  It's huge."

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Pecan Pie

Leon was in the baked goods aisle of the supermarket.  He was considering pies.  The pecan pie was particularly appealing.

A young woman walked up to him.  She was wearing an orange raincoat and three inch high black high heels.  Leon couldn't help but stare at her legs.

"I have a message for you," she said in an English accent.

Leon looked around.

"Are you talking to me?"

"We live in the age of communication.  I can electronically reach out to anyone on the planet.  Ironically, if I want to communicate a message to a stranger and have it taken seriously, I have to deliver the message in person.  Even when I am standing here next to you and looking you straight in the eye, there is a high risk that you will consider me crazy or a crook."

Leon had no response.  He classified this encounter as some kind of joke.

"People need more than words," she said and handed Leon an envelope.

Inside the envelope were eleven one hundred dollar bills.

"I can't take this."

She waved her hand.  "My name is Iris.  You are right about the paradox."

Friday, March 21, 2014


James volunteered to watch my dog, Norman the Conqueror, while I went on a not-so-secret mission to Schenectady.  Although it is not technically volunteering because I am paying him $37.  It's kind of a charity because James just quit his job at the Apple Store to pursue his dream career of being a filmmaker. I don't know how long that can possibly last because he is going to get evicted and then he will starve.

When I arrived at the apartment, James looked very distressed.  Had he been crying?

"Sundance has rejected my film."

"Which one?" I asked as I handed him Norman the Conqueror's leash.


"Is that the documentary about your surgery?"

"Yes.  I worked on that film for a year."

"James, no one wants to watch a three hour movie about your root canal, one hour of which is your actual surgery."

"Do you know how long it took me to convince that nurse to secretly film it?  I had to do things that I am not proud of, although most of which I enjoyed."  He shook his head.

"Some of those anesthesia videos are funny, but you just cried for twenty minutes then fell asleep.  Ten minutes of the film is just you sleeping!"

"The world needs to know about my suffering and the injustice I have endured."

"What injustice?"

"The injustice of my suffering!"

"You need to focus on your next project."

"I guess you're right.  Boy, am I hungry." 

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Airport Security

Stu and Barbara were waiting in the security line at the Newark Airport.  They were on a business trip to Tampa.  It was pool business.  Specifically, they were selling inflatable pool toys.  Everyone should know that pool toys should not be used as flotation devices.

"If you were suddenly involved in a fight in the produce section of the grocery, which fruit or vegetable would you use as a weapon?" Barbara asked Stu.

"A potato," Stu answered.  "Potatoes are hard as rocks.  You could really nail someone with a potato."

The person in front of Stu and Barbara was wearing two different shoes -- a black loafer and a Nike running shoe.

"I think I would use a pineapple," Barbara said.  "Those things are hard and rough.  I would smash my opponent over the head with a pineapple."  She made a head-smashing gesture with her arm.

"Well, if it got to hand-to-hand combat, I might use a watermelon."

Barbara shook her head.  "Way too heavy.  You'd be better off with a lighter melon, like a cantaloupe or a honeydew.  Not too ripe, though."

"Have you ever eaten a horned melon?  Horned melons look like weapons -- ninja weapons."

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Queen of the Lambada

"I cannot concentrate while you are doing that," Ira said as he carefully sorted the Froot Loops.

"I am going to be Queen of the Lambada," Rose shouted as she twirled around the kitchen.

"My master's thesis is depending on an accurate count of these colors!"

Rose backed into the counter sending dishes crashing to the floor.  She continued to gyrate across the linoleum.

It was at that moment that Ira remembered the words his great grandfather had spoken to him.  Ira was just four years old.  His grandfather said, "The emerald peacock is in the soup tureen."